Love.N.2.B.Loved

Today I learned one of the most important lessons in my life. It is to be the best for the one u loves. To show appreciation and the best in yourself to people who are close to u. Especiallly your family, specifically your mother and your father. Its not that I’m not showing my best colour to them, but basically to the guy who is dear to me (excluding blood ties or family) --> my boyfriend.

Yeah, my boyfriend, one of the closest person to me in my life.

A lil' bit info on us.. At first he's my friend, then my close friend, then my best friend and now he is my boyfriend. My first boyfriend. And hopefully if we are fated to be more than just friend, I would be so glad. InsyaAllah. We known each other since July 2010, we took the same class and we were classmates. He is my roommate’s friend. I barely knew him. But who knows that one day that we are going to be in a relationship. I never expect that, but Allah knows better. Our relationship becomes official on Jan 1st 2011. 

I never had any boyfriend before, basically because I just don’t have feelings towards any guy. There are some guys whom I like but that’s just that. Not more than that. I’m very picky when it comes to guys and relationship. I wouldn’t have any problems with friendship but when it comes to relationship I would want the best for me. The kind of guy who have the qualities that I need. Since I’m raised in a very protective family. My parents, especially my mum is very sceptical about their children’s' interest of being in a relationship. Yeah, who wouldn't.
*I think I’m also gonna be the same when I have my own children*

Anyway, my mum was really strict and protective towards her children, especially her daughters and especially ME. Yeah, mainly because I’m her youngest daughter. She would forbid me from being friends with any guys. She would be mad if there is any guy or admirer who called me at home, and she would blamed me saying that I’m the one who flirted with those guys. Hence, I never had any guy friends when I was in high school or matrics. For me, I just feel awkward with guys and they don’t really matter for me, and I don’t give a damn on their existence. Plus, I don’t find any significance  to have a guy friend because I don't see the benefits of being friend with them, plus I’m afraid that my mum would be angry with me. 

For instance, there was this one time on Raya 2009. When I was 19, I celebrated Raya with my best friend and her boyfriend. We went from one house to another to visit our school friends. At Maghrib time, we stopped by my house to perform Maghrib prayer with my dad. My mum was still out with my oldest brother at that time. After praying, while we were getting ready to go out again to visit my friend's house, my mum arrived home. Then she saw my best friend’s boyfriend. And she was totally shocked. She gasped, she was standing in front of us and she just stood there, speechless. And she said "Why would u bring a guy to our house? Who is this guy??" she said sternly. I answered "He's nik's boyfriend, NOT MY BOYFRIEND. Well don't worry, I dont have one". 

OMG! I was so embarrassed by her. I mean, I feel that it's not proper for my mum to say that, my friends were really uncomfortable with what she have said. They were my guests, and for God's sake, we were home because we wanted to perform Maghrib prayer! Its not like we were having parties or anything! 

Hahaha.. That is one of the memories that I won’t forget in my whole life. But now, when I got to think about it again, it was hilarious, really. Now, I can truly see that actually, she's doing that for my own sake and she's really concerned about me. Thanks Mum :) 

Well, my mum has made me for who I am today. Got to think about that, I am glad that she was so strict with me. Well, everything happens for a  reason. Maybe if she had given too much freedom to me when I was young, then I won’t be who I am today. Maybe I will have some boyfriends here and there, exes here and there, maybe I would have done something with my boyfriends that I shouldn't do. Well, who knows right? 

And as a wrap, that explains why I have my first boyfriend at the age of 21.

#some.notes: "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly"

People.In.The.Past

When I was young, I met two guys whom I like. One is a Sarawakian guy and the other one is from Semenanjung. Lets just call them A and B. I met A before I met B. I met A at a high school reunion, he was my senior in college. When we were at the reunion, he obviously showed his interest towards me. He asked for my phone number and contacted me afterwards. We always texted each other and he always sent me his pictures, that I've never asked for. Haha.. He's such a camwhore. I had like 20 pictures of him as he kept giving me his MMS.

One day, we had dinner together, and while we were having some conversation, OUT OF NOWHERE, my instinct said "HE IS NOT THE ONE". That feeling comes out of nowhere, and I felt awkward to have that thought just pop out in my head. Yeah, and that makes a lot of sense when I found out that he had a girlfriend, but he told me that he was single. So he wanted to have me as his second girlfriend. HELL NO! What a weird guy. So that’s it. It was over between us. 

One of my principals is that, if you are someone's bf /gf, then be LOYAL. Cuz if u cheat on him/her, he/she might cheat on u too. Karma. What goes around, comes back around. But we stay friends, no hard feelings. Besides, knowing him, I don't really have any chemistry with him at all.

For B, same things happened. At first he said he was single. Bla bla bla.. Then I found out that he had a girlfriend. And he wanted both. Bla bla bla. It was over. But the difference between both of them is that, for A, I known him for 1-2 months before I ended everything, and that didn’t really affected me cuz it was so quick and short. Unfortunately with B, it lasted for 8-9 moths before we ended everything and for a MAJOR reason that he was engaged with someone else and he didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me. Why? Because he is a Bastard.

Yeah, I wouldn’t call A that, but I would definitely call B a BASTARD.

First he said he was single. Then when I found out that he had a girlfriend, I confronted him and as I was about to end our relationship he told me, no, he PROMISED me that he would tell his gf and leave her to be with me. Not that I asked him to do that, but I told him that I don’t want to meddle around with anyone's relationship. He was someone's boyfriend, and I wouldn’t want to be close with him if he had a gf. He should stick with one, not two.

But, as a Bastard, he told me that he wanted both, he said both of us would complete his life and that he couldn’t live without me and without her. Well, that is Bull$h*t. And the worst part is that he asked me to go out with him right after he was engaged with his gf. I mean, dude u r engaged, why would u still go out with other girl? He even treated me like a gf, he was being so nice and sweet that instead of being happy, I felt so awkward. And I have an instinct that he must be hiding something from me. And it was true. He was engaged.

Upon knowing that he was engaged, I was shocked. But I didn’t feel anything. I asked myself  "Should I cry?" Yeah maybe I should. It’s normal to cry if u find out that someone u love was engaged to someone else. But I didn’t cry. Not that I don’t want to, but I couldn't. Why? I just don’t love him.

I don’t feel sad. I have expected that he is a Bastard, and indeed he is. Instead, I felt sorry for his fiancé. She deserves someone who is loyal to her as she has been loyal to him. Well, I couldn’t say anything, they are fated to be with each other. (Btw, they’re married now) And how glad I am, not to be fated with him. Well, his father has two wives, so that explains why he is like that, its genetic. Its in the blood. Like father, like son right. I confronted him and our friendship ended.

But looking at the bright side, I learned a lot from this. This experience has made me stronger and better. I have knowledge about guys that I never had before. I was naive before I met him, that’s why I was easily cheated by him. I trust every lies he told me. Today, I am wiser and I can easily identify guys who genuinely loves me and who's not.

Well, u learned a lot when u experienced this thing on your own than hearing it from someone else or reading books. The knowledge that u get from ur own experience will test u and affected u so much that u won’t forget even for a bit, about the things that you have faced in the past.

Well for what is worth, our life journey are still very far. There are more interesting things waiting for us ahead. Your life doesn’t stops if u fall, so get back up and walk forward. Plus, whatever things u do to change the past, it wont change even for tiny-winy-bit. So instead of looking at the past and beat yourself up, u should move on and look forward. Make a better present that will eventually lead to a happier and brighter future... :)

#some.notes : And the most important thing is that, whatever it is, Allah is there by our side, for every breath u take, wherever and whenever. Allah's love is the Greatest love of all :) Cheers~